I don’t think I’ve really written much on my relationship with my mother. I have a lot of negative thoughts and painful memories associated with my mother so Mother’s Day, in that respect, isn’t all that happy for me.
However, I tell myself I need to remember:
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8
This is hard for me to do today. I don’t find “happy thoughts” in the past and I am not finding “happy thoughts” in the present. So, I need to search further – deeper – different. Therefore I will look to Him…the ONLY one who brings true comfort.
In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19
I’m not exactly sure what is going on lately – I know Satan is attacking me from many directions. But I also believe the Lord is stretching me. The hard part ~ figuring out which is which.
My father was killed in a car accident in 2001 and the relationship with my mother has been interesting my entire life. So, this verse has been a comfort through the years since I’ve been saved:
When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. Psalm 27:10
I need to remember…
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
I find it difficult when I look back and find pain. But I am also finding it difficult to look at the present and see pain. I know my focus is in the wrong area – if I change my thinking to being thankful – that I will see things differently, but I am just having a really hard time doing that lately.
I am seeing a lot of “Happy Mother’s Day” notes on Facebook and I just cringe every time. Hurt. Pain. Frustration. Anger. Bitterness. They are all sliding in like sludge. But I think the thing that is causing me the biggest “hang up” is confusion. I am really confused right now in my life. I feel like I don’t know where to turn or which way is up. It seems every where I turn I am met with condescension.
I know I will “make it through” and I will “be stronger in the end” but I want more than that. I want to lean on my Father and Savior and I want to HEAL. I’m tired of “fighting the good fight”. I want it to be done. I’m just not sure how. So, for today, I will look to Him to carry me, until I can walk on my own.
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
Praying for every woman out there who is trying to find her way.